So those are my choices. Of course I have the freedom to go outside the lectionary. I am not bound to the lectionary and normally I would go outside of it and choose a different passage but I am feeling drawn to the Lamentations passage:
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for one to bear the yoke in youth, to sit alone in silence when the Lord has imposed it, to put one's mouth to the dust (there may yet be hope), to give one's cheek to the smiter, and be filled with insults. For the Lord will not reject forever. Although he causes grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve anyone." Lamentations 3:22-33 (NRSV)I am not entirely sure why I am being drawn to this particular text but I think it has to do with the struggle of having hope and losing hope. If you follow the poem or the lament you see a movement in the text. The writer begins with the hope that the Lord's steadfast love never ceases and that God's mercies never come to an end. Then the writer shifts from the Lord being good to the struggle of being alone in imposed silence. The writer seems to resign to the fact that one should simply be quiet and take what punishment is being given; but the writer shifts the tone from resignation back to hope, "he (God) will have compassion according the abundance of his steadfast love" (v.32).
I believe the writer believes those things. I believe the writer wants to have the hope that the Lord's love is truly steadfast but this hope is put into the terrible question at the end of the book in 5:22, "unless you have utterly rejected us, and are angry beyond measure." Such a strange way to end a book in the Bible, is it not?
Or is it an honest reflection of the struggle between hope, faith, and reality?
The norm among ministers is that 40% will deal with some sort of depression during their ministry. I am a part of that 40%. I know those struggles and I have wrestled deeply with the storm clouds that start to come around me and I have learned how to find sun when I need it and I've learned how to strip down and soak up the rain. But that's not the case for every minister.
40% of ministers will struggle with depression in some form during their ministry. Is it irony or a paradox or a juxtaposition for a minister who presents the hope of the gospel to struggle with depression, to lack hope at times? Or is it the truth of faith and hope?
(Here is a link to a 2009 article on suicide and ministers).
I learned last night that a friend recently lost her job as a youth minister and her husband due to having a mental break. The stress of the job, the stress of feeling like the whole world was on her shoulders eventually broke her. While seeking help she learned that her husband left her cause he couldn't deal with it and the church where she ministered for the past few years said she was a danger to the youth and they let her go.
It is hard to have faith and hope in such a time. It is hard for churches to see their minister struggle and see them at times of serious weakness. It is hard for ministers to admit that they need help or that they struggle in their faith. It is hard for men and women who believe they should have all the answers to life's problems have none for their own.
The hard truth is ministers are people just like their congregation. We are just as human as those who sit in the pews. We wrestle with God, faith, salvation, hope, and reality. We struggle with unrealistic expectations and how to live up to them. We often do not have the courage to say, "I need help." We often feel alone. We preach that if you call on God or call on Christ, he answers you. We preach that Christ is in the midst of your struggles but when our own struggles come we feel as though they shouldn't. We feel like we should be excluded. Our churches feel we should be excluded.
But we're not.
This leads me to ask this question: Who shepherds the shepherd?
Ministers have tried to answer that question by creating peer groups, minister conferences, minister gatherings, etc. Sometimes those groups help. Sometimes they provide a relief. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes you express your struggles hoping to find sympathy and help, only to find closed ears. So who then shepherds the shepherd?
Who gives hope to the hopeless minister?
God? Jesus? The Holy Spirit?
The congregation? Family?
All of the above?
Yes.
(update)
I keep coming back to this post. Especially when I find myself in a deep funk that is hard to get out of. It is hard to find faith in the midst of suffering in one's mind. Ministers preach about authenticity, being authentic about their struggles of faith, yet when one of their own does, when one of their own really begins to doubt God's existence, they remain silent.
Why are they so silent?
Do they wish not to speak because they are afraid of what they might say? Are they carefully cultivating their words? Do they believe they are helping matters in their silence?
I don't think we realize we do more damage in these crisis moments when we choose to remain silent.
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