"A life of faith is a life of gratitude--it means a life in which I am willing to experience my complete dependence upon God and to praise and thank him unceasingly for the gift of being." Henri Nouwen
"Great is thy faithfulness, O God. There is no shadow of turning with Thee; thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not as thou hast been thou forever wilt be."
When have you not been faithful? When have you turned your back on me? When have you abandon me? When have you not stayed true to your promise?
You would think I would not doubt your faithfulness; yet I do. I lean back on myself. I lean back on my own understandings and my own ways because your ways are too hard. Your ways are too slow. Your ways do not work in this world. Your ways clash with the American way. Your ways have been skewed.
I look back at my life and I know you have been there. I know you have been faithful to me even when I was not. You've walked along side of me. You've carried me when needed. You've cheered me on when no one else would. Your hand has provided. Yet I doubt your faithfulness. Yet, when I look at this world, when I approach my job, when I grow impatient, I doubt your faithfulness. I doubt that you will be here.
It is my ego, my arrogance that blinds me. It is my faith that casts that shadow of doubt. It is the evil that convinces me that you are unable to be faithful. It is a rigid tradition that forgets your promise. It is the self that says, "You must do it on your own." It is the self that denies the gratitude in my heart. It is the self that makes me rely on me instead of you.
Forgive me.
I am humbled by your faithfulness. I am grateful for your mercy. I am thankful and I praise you.
Remove the arrogance from myself. Change my ego. Mold me and make me into something new.
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