Lenten Journal: I May Be

"Your way and my way seem to be one and the same" James Taylor

This is will not be the post that I intended it to be by the time I am finished. I have written three different versions of this post; each one incomplete and each one leading me in one direction. I try to control what I write. It is the writer inside me. When you write you present a clear thesis in the opening paragraph, then you expound on the thesis in the body, summarizes and concluding in the conclusion. This post will not have that.

I think I might have picked up on what you've been trying to say to me. I think I might have honed in on your voice. Of course, it's only been 5 days since Ash Wednesday so I may be crazy. I may be wrong. I may not be on to anything. I may be wandering. I may be rambling. I may be.

I may be right.

Henri Nouwen writes, "I know that true joy comes from letting God love me the way God wants, whether it is through illness or health, failure or success, poverty or wealth, rejection or praise. It is hard for me to say, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done." But I know that when I truly believe my Father is pure love, it will become increasingly possible to say these words from the heart."

I cannot honestly say that I am comfortable saying to you, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done." I am not. I am not comfortable. I am timid when it comes to giving myself up. I am terrified of where that confession, that surrender, that abandon will lead me. I know that if I am to follow your call I am forsaking a life normalcy; but it is not my normalcy I am forsaking. I am asking my wife, my son, my family to abandon normalcy as well.

I understand that I cannot control their response to this call. I understand that you are working in them as you are working in me. I understand. I believe. I trust. I rest in the one who is I am.

My prayer this Lenten season is to abadon myself in you. To leave my old self behind and embrace my new self found solely in you. I have heard your voice and I am responding. I pray that I am able to live into this prayer; for I know that the end of this journey holds something dear; but the journey is going to be long and not easy. Help me to remember the words of Charles de Foucauld:

Father,
I abandon myself in your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you do I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
as in all your creatures,
I ask no more than this, my Lord.
Into your hand I commend my soul;
I offer it to you, O Lord,
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, my God, and so need to give myself--
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve and with total confidence,
for you are my Father.

May I have the strength to pray the above with all my heart, all my strength, all my soul, and all my mind. May you give the courage to say, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done."

Amen.