Deepen Lostness

(I was asked by a friend to write a 50 word or more devotion for Lent on what I do to deepen my relationship with God. Below is what came out as I wrote with honesty)

I struggle in my relationship with God. It's as much as a relationship as one can have with a Being that one never sees and the conversation often one sided. It's like sending a tweet out to Nathan Fillon and wondering if he's going to tweet back.

Truthfully, it's not the lack of communication I struggle with but the realism of the communication. If God sees my innermost being as the psalmist writes, then God sees my true self, and if God sees my true self and I do not, how do I live in relationship with someone whose expectations I may not live up too? How do I deepen such a relationship?

I really do not have an answer. I'm sure you're formulating one in your head. It is what we've been taught to do. We've been taught to fix people. Perhaps that is why it is hard for me to put into words how I deepen my relationship. I am not looking to be fixed. I am looking to be heard. I am desperately longing to know that my insignificant story matters to someone besides me. Isn't that what we all long for?

If who I am and who God sees are not the same, my relationship strengthens as I search my true self but my relationship deepens when I rest in the failure of myself.

There is no formula for my spiritual journey but I feel it deepen with each bruise I receive from a fall. I feel it deepen as I pick myself up. I feel it deepen with each tear of my jeans. I feel it deepen with each dark cloud I fight through just for a glimpse of the sun. It deepens in my own way; a way that I lose myself in order to be found.