Almost a year ago, I sat in room with 11 others at a visioning retreat. It was to be the accumulation of 18 months of prayer and discernment. We were tasked with writing the future story of our church. As we sat in front of a blank whiteboard, I started to hear words that warmed my soul. I heard words such as “healing”, “wholeness”, “sanctuary”, words that held a great sense of meaning and redemption in them. Words that I thought would make the church into a great place for hurting people in need of reconciliation and love.
I left that retreat with a great sense of hope. Finally, we had a vision that was going to be worth the pain it was going to take to make the vision a reality. A few weeks later, a letter was sent out blasting the vision and the future of the church. In the letter I could tell that all the hope I had felt just a few weeks before was not going to be for this church. I knew as soon as I read the letter my time was coming to an end because I couldn't go back.
I have not really dealt with all that went on. I never confronted the people who gave into their fear. I never said how wrong they were and how much I pittied them. Nor have I told them that I forgive them. I left because I was called to go; yet I did not realize that I had not grieved for the lost vision. I realize I have not grieved leaving a place that was my home for so many years. I realize now it is time to leave that place behind but I do not need to leave the vision behind.
It is not often I can claim that a vision was ever as full of the spirit as this one was. It affirmed my call in ministry and a vision I could not fully put into words until that Saturday. The vision, I now understand, was not a vision that belonged solely to the church; instead it was a vision that had the freedom to move and change when it was denied.
I understand now that I do not grieve for a lost vision; I grieve for a lost church that gave into fear. The vision has not been lost. The vision has been given new life within a new church. Time to close the last chapter and start writing this one.
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