Over the past few weeks I have been doing some very personal and deep reflection on the way I treat others. I am not sure what prompted this reflection. I think it's because Connor is now repeating things he hears very well now and starting to understand better. Thus I have been on this inward spiritual reflection.
I think how a minister or Christian treats another human being says a lot about their faith. If the words and actions that come out of my mouth do not reflect that which I deeply believe then the reflection tells a completely different story.
I, like many, was bullied in middle school by an older neighbor. We eventually moved and I went into high school, started lifting weights, lost my braces, got contacts and started to learn a little bit about how to dress better. Eventually I became the bully.
There was a student in my freshman algebra class named Brian Adams. Now the poor kid already had a lot working against him: socially awkward, wore glasses, eventually wore a long black trench coat, liked weird Japanese anime books. So to have the same name as a Canadian rock star who's recent hit was all the rage with the ladies, was just not fair for the guy.
I would pick on Brian during class about certain things and one day he looked me square in the eye and said, "I think you pick on me because you're unhappy with yourself." It was a well timed and appropriate response to my bullying. Later in the year I would apologize and while we were never really friends, I have come to be thankful for that moment and his words.
A few years passed and a friend came into class to tell us they shooting up the school. We were confused and thought someone was shooting up our school. Turns out as our teacher turned the TV on she was referring to the Columbine shootings. As details emerged from that horrific incident, our school started profiling students who they thought showed similar tendencies as Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Mainly anyone who wear a trench-coat was profiled and watched.
A month or so later, one of the students belonging to the group was suspected of making a death threat and his locker was searched. I was told, or the rumors that floated down the halls told me, that a book was found in the locker containing names on what was called a hit list and at number five was my name.
At first I tried to play it off and joked about not being number one. But the hard truth is, it hit me really hard. Had I been that mean to people? Was I treating someone poorly? I knew I wasn't the greatest at being kind but I didn't think I had done anything too drastic to someone. But there was my name at number 5.
Of course, looking back, it's all speculative and probably just rumors but that incident in May of 1999 when I was 18 put me on a path of reflection and conversation that has led me to this point at 31. A reflection on the importance of being kind to others.
I have a tendency to get caught up in moments and call others names or put people down. It's not hard to do so when a majority of your classmates did the same or those you are in constant contact with do. As I reflected on the text for the past two Sundays, I remembered that incident and I started to remember how poorly I may have treated others over time. I realized that I no longer wanted to be a part of that system.
I am seeking forgiveness and I am changing. (cue the song we're all humming)
I no longer wanted to be a part of a system that prides itself on tearing others down in order to build up the self. I looked at the towel with my name on it and was powerfully reminded that I am a servant. A servant who is to lift up in love and build up. My behavior towards others, specifically towards others who were very different than me, needed to change.
So I'm working on it. It will take some time and patience. It will be hard but the system needs to change and I'm tired of functioning in a false narrative. I want to live in a way that lifts others in love and in grace.
Perhaps then the behavior my son ends up mimicking the most will be one of building up and not tearing down.
Oh my dear son, how you are changing this father's life for the better.
No comments:
Post a Comment