Friendship Equation Redux: Saying Goodbye to Facebook

A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece on friendship and facebook here. It was about the idea that many meaningful relationships can take place online and through social networks. I wrote, "Friendship is not always about being able to spend time with one another. Friendship is different than a marriage in which being together every now and then is a requirement for a somewhat healthy marriage. Friendship though, it seems, can function in a healthy manner without two people ever meeting," I am not back tracking on the thought. I do believe that friendship can function in a healthy manner without two people ever meeting; however, as I thought on it and as life events transpire, there needs to be live interaction.

Friendship may be able to function online but that friendship requires some personal human interaction. Not to make the friendship a true friendship but a friendship that is a real live friendship. Upon reflection, if everything is done online, if the social network is our only form of communication, we become trapped by it. We become slaves to a media that provides us with a safety net. There is not any risk to friendship online. One can be friends with others online. One can even invest in friends online but that investment is perhaps no different than the investment we make with characters on a reality show. There needs to be a tangible reality to friendship, to relationships. Without that tangible reality, we are simply Smiths (Matrix reference for the kids who didn't know who Emmit Smith was).

There is a degree of risk online but not the type of risk that a live relationship takes. We remove that risk when we maintain friendship solely by uploading photos or commenting on status updates. Relationships can become dull online and a dull relationship will eventually lead to a relationship that exists purely in the newsfeed. Risk is what makes a relationship exciting. Risk creates space in relationships for a deeper, holistic connection between God's creation. The more friends I make from the safety of social media, the less I am able to commit the amount of risk the relationship needs to be whole.

Social networks have made it easy to hide. As time goes by, as life passes us by, it becomes easier to sit here and pretend that I have created meaningful relationships. It becomes easier to reach out to a friend instead of taking the time to drive to where they are, to go and see them face to face. It's time for a change. Dullness is a sin and I'm tired of sinning. I'm saying goodbye to Facebook.

The Church and the State: Separation of Politics and Jesus

Over the past week, an article on Alabama's Governor has appeared on my newsfeed. The latest one was the article here (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41149562/ns/politics-more_politics/) in which the Governor apologized for his comments. For those who are not familiar with the story, Gov. Bentley made some remarks about who is his brother and sister during a speech at his church:

"Anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother,"

Speaking to a mixed-race crowd at Dexter Avenue King Memorial Church, Bentley, a Republican, said he considered anyone who believed in Christ to be a brother regardless of color, but people who were not Christian could not have as close a relationship to him. The gov. has taken a lot of backlash on this incident. While I believe his remarks were ill timed, coming after his inauguration, I do not believe them to be entirely inappropriate.

The first admendment reads, "Congress shall make no law respecting or establishing a religion or preventing the free exercise of." I'm paraphrasing. What that one statement means is that United States will not establish a country sanctioned religion, has nothing to do with whether or not this country is a Christian nation, but it has to do with the idea that the US was not going to follow the pattern of England and the Church of England in which the Church of England was the predominate and state sponsored religion in England. Thomas Jefferson and Baptists insisted on the establishment and free exercise clause to be in the consititution in order to protect everyone's right to freedom of religion. Therefore, the government will not prevent any free exercise of religion nor will the government get behind and push a specific religion to the forefront.

The amendment is not a clear amendment as many of the amendments are not (argument of the right to bear arms being a good example). We can see the struggle with the removal of prayer in public schools, though prayer can still take place, it cannot be lead by a teacher since a teacher is paid by the state. The law also prohibts churches that wish to keep their tax free status from endorsing any particular candidate during an election. The church may talk about issued but they cannot talk endorse politicians. I could continue with more of the murky examples of this amendment; however, you'd stop reading (if you're still reading).

Public officials reside on a blurred line of the public and private sectors. Many believe once you are elected to office, you are no longer a private citizen. Others believe you should maintain some form of the later. Personally, I fall more into the former category. I would argue this also applies to ministers, politicians, police chiefs, etc. I believe in the separation of church and state; it's the main reason I am a baptist. However, that is not what I wish to focus on.

I believe we are reaching a point in our complexed society where the word political has become a term that only refers to politics and those politics of our politicians. I agrue that in fact everything we do in the church is political. When you preach on the poor, we preach a political message. When you preach on the salvation of Jesus, you preach a political message. When Christian take part in communion, we take part in a political action. I believe we are coming to a time of understanding that separation of church and state is not separation in terms of leaving each alone. Instead it is the church being free to speak politically and the state free to act as it sees fit without permission from either party.

The church has a right to preach whatever political agenda it wishes (as long as it does not endorse a candidate). The church should realize that we are preaching, worshiping, and living out a political agenda. If you do not believe Jesus was political then I would suggest a rereading of the gospels. If subscribe to the subsititionary atonement theory, you will need to reconcile the political action Jesus takes.

I find it fascinating that this "incident" happened on MLK weekend. Martin Luther King Jr. was a baptist minister first and foremost. He believed the gospel message was a political message and it inspired him to become a leader of civil rights, a proponent for nonviolence, stood for organized labor, end to war, and social justice. King understood the message of Christ to be political. I understand the message of Christ to be political and I do not need Brian McLaren to tell me why nor the six other politics of Jesus books on my book shelf.

Bentley is guilty of nothing more than bad timing, misinterpretation, and an over sensitive culture. Because if we are going to continue to be a culture that reacts to any religious statement made by a politician, we will need to either admit that the first amendment only goes one way or that Christians should not hold political office. If it's the latter, then my Senate/Presidental run is going to be put on ice.

I Heard Your Voice Today

I heard your voice today
I think you were calling to me

I was

It feels so long since...

 Since we've talked

Yea, I'm...

Not sure what to say

I've been so focused
I think I've...
No, I know...
I've missed you lately
            Yea, you have

I felt you today

I know

I couldn't turn away
You were on the radio
You were standing on the banks of the river
You were in the sky
You were...
Everywhere

I was...
I am

 I still don't...
            Know what to say
Yea
            Would you like to sit
Yes

And rest
Yes
You don't mind

Nope, join me
When I leave will you...

Always, but that's neither here nor there
I talk too much

Yes you do

You love me still

Do you even have to ask
No

Do you love me still
Do you have to ask

I think so
Yes...
Yes...I
Yes...I do...
Yes...I do...I

It's okay

We don't have to talk right now

Just rest...

Your soul is weary

Contastic

There are days that I think, "Connor's lucky to have me as a dad." and there are days that I think, "I feel bad that Connor got stuck with me as his dad." Both are severly narcissistic, yet that's what I think sometimes. A majority of the time I look at him and think, "How in the blue hell did I get so fortunate?"

Connor turns 11 months on Monday. A month away from turning the big 1. I'm amazed at how fast this year has  gone. It seems like yesterday he was just two months old and laying in my lap at 2 a.m. refusing to go back to bed. It has gone by quickly. Too quickly but not quick enough. Watching him reach his milestones of rolling over, smiling, his first tooth, crawling, cruising, all have been a magically ride. And now he'll eventually begin to take his first steps. Life certainly moves fast.

During Lacy's pregancy, I would have severe panic attacks when I thought about Connor growing up. I remember driving and this mental flash of Connor's life gallops through my mind. In 30 seconds I went from preparing for his arrival, to his first day of school, to his high school graduation. Next thing I knew, he was 30 and I was 60. My heart began to race and my pulse was high, arm went numb. Textbook panic attack, if I had read about panic attacks in a textbook. I failed biology my first time around. He's almost a year old.

I hope he doesn't get in a hurry to grow up. I hope I don't force him to be in a hurry to grow up.

He's not into walking. He'll take a couple of steps while holding my hand. He laughs at it and sits down and begins to crawl. He's a super fast crawler and provides his own sound effects. He's growing up. He's starting to put words together. He's getting bigger.

It's hard not to feel like you're in a parental competition with other parents. The age of Facebook and Twitter make it hard not to think that you're child will fall behind if he doesn't keep up with the Kardashians (whoever they are). I keep reminding myself he's not. Everyone comes into their milestones in their own time and in their own way. I keep reminding myself, "You're here to help him pick himself up when he falls. You're here to cheer him on. You're here to love him." I'm here to love him.

He'll walk when he walks. He'll come into his milestones when it is his time. I hope and pray that I can resist the need to compete. I hope I can simply be here to love him. I hope that when he turns thirty, he'll look at his sixty year old father and say, "I'm glad you are my dad."

I think that's the best to hope for.

The Friendship Equation

Over the years, I have attempted to write on a daily basis and begun several blogs. Not sure why I did. I guess I felt I had ideas that people would want to read about. That's true of any blogger. They have ideas, thoughts, insights and each one feels they are worth reading. Some are. Some are very good and they'll never be published or turned into an HBO sitcom. Some have a story that is worth hearing over and over again; but you won't ever see it on the big screen. Some bloggers are well worth the time. Me, perhaps I'm worth a read. I do not think that matters much. It's what the blogsphere allows.

There is a lot of criticism surrounding the internet and I've been known to be a critic myself. The internet has affected our culture in many ways, both good and bad. We have access to information almost immediately. Print is being traded for digital. Everyone has a chance to be an author or reality star. At times, our senses are so overloaded that we are unable to process through everything. What used to be a hidden hurried society has become a very publicized hurried society. Of course the internet has brought forth the ability to social network, raising the question, "Can one have a meaningful relationship with someone via the social network?"

There are several schools of thought on the question and I know I have an opinion especially concerning long distance dating when you never see the person or have never met the person. But we're not talking about love connections. I'm speaking directly to the idea of building a meaningful friendship or community via the internet. Is it possible? Some say yes, some say no.
A while back, I did some a Facebook cleanse. I started to go through my list of 400+ friends and as I reached each one I had to make a decision on who I should delete and who I should keep. I have a friend who doesn't unfriend people on Facebook. It's one of his rules. It's a good rule; his other rule is that he does a long discernment process on which requests to accept. My rule is that I'll accept any request if I can conjure up some type of memory of you or you know someone I know. I, however, do not have a second rule about deleting friends.

As I was saying, I went through and began to delete people who I never talk to or who I do not have a relationship with. To my surprise, I could only delete three people. I know I could have probably deleted more but for almost everyone, I have some type of shared memory with them or since becoming Facebook friends, we have developed a relationship through this social network.

Friendship is not always about being able to spend time with one another. Friendship is different than a marriage in which being together every now and then is a requirement for a somewhat healthy marriage. Friendship though, it seems, can function in a healthy manner without two people ever meeting. Several years ago I came across several people in the blogsphere, all were connected together in different manners. I befriend Milton through Tim Youmans, through Milton I befriended Beth. I befriended Terry who has become a Friar. We are all connected even though we've never met (except I've met Tim, I know (like know know (not in the biblical sense)) Tim and Tim is awesome). We're all connected together through little fibers that connect us. It's amazing.

In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Lucy looks down into the sea and catches a glimpse of people living underneath the sea. She stares and a few stare back, one in particular is a Sea Herder. This Sea Herder is a girl about Lucy's age. They stare at one another, smile, and for a moment they are connected. No names are shared. No conversation takes places. Lewis simply writes, "They will met in another world, and when they do, they will see each other and embrace." I mentioned my friend Beth. If you have a moment go to bethbrawly.com and read her journey, it's worth the read. Beth has an amazing story filled with struggle, grace, mercy, love, and the proof of God's unending love. I've never met Beth. We've talked on the phone once. But I believe one day we will meet and we will embrace and talk as old friends. I believe that.

I believe that for many of us on Facebook, we will not ever see each other face to face. We might but maybe just a 1/5 of us will. It's not impossible but it is most unlikely. Yet I believe that one day we will see one another and when we do we will embrace and talk like old friends.

Advice for Teens

It's hard being a teenager. You're body's changing. You're mind is growing. You're getting hair in weird places. Things change rapidly when you're a teenager. Life eventually slows down but in the life of a teen, it's running a million miles a millisecond; and you're not sure if it will ever slow down. There's school work to do, friends to deal with, boyfriends/girlfriends to spend time with, parents to put up with, college applications, questions on what you're going to do with your life. There is not a lot of time for a teen to just be a teen. You're stuck in that age where you're no longer a child but you're not an adult. You're stuck in the wilderness. To make life more difficult, you're stuck there with a billion other hormonal teenagers.

The wilderness is a scary place. I would suggest getting used to it. You'll visit the wilderness again and again as you get older. While it may seem like a scary place now, eventually you will come to love it. You'll find your time in the wilderness to be a time to slow down, to rest, to find comfort, and to be you. I will be honest, you are going to live in the wilderness every few years even as an adult. The wilderness will become your friend. The place that seems scary at this moment will eventually become the place you will have difficulty leaving.

You live in a different world than I did when I was your age. Life moves a lot quicker and you get things a lot faster. Internet was just taking off when I was a teen. The only form of Internet was through dial up and it took it 20 minutes just to send an email. Now, you have 4G speed. We could only communicate through letters, email, phone calls, and notes passed in the hallways at school. It was stressful being a teen. Lots of questions that needed to be answered but no one to answer them. You have your parents of course, and most are happy to be there and try to answer your questions. But you don't really want to talk to them about sex, body changes, friends, or your struggles. Because, let's be honest, as good as some parents are, those questions, the struggles you face, are not something they can answer and parents prefer to be problem solvers.

You have the Church and youth ministers who are paid to attempt to answer your questions or listen to your struggles. But most youth ministers are still teenagers themselves. Many have not ever moved past the adolescent stage in life. They're figuring out other things such as marriage, children, life. Of course, if you do ask them your questions or tell them your struggles, they'll give you a list of verses that are supposed to make you feel better or answer everything. Is masturbation a sin? Read Ephesians 2:1. My girlfriend and I are wanting to have sex, how do I abstain or why should we abstain? Read 1 Corinthians 6:19. I'm struggling with depression and feel suicidal. Read 2 Timothy 1:7. It's what the church and youth ministers have been taught to do over the years. Whatever questions you have can be answered fully in the infallible word of God.

Forgive my snark. Sometimes in making a point, I can be a little crass. My point is that's all you get from them. Most churches do not value teenagers. You make church people anxious, just like you make your parents anxious. It's not a bad thing. In fact you should be proud of that. Most churches (parents included) want to provide a place of order for you. Youth programs and youth gatherings are expected to be structured to keep you entertained. Youth Ministers are more like Cruise Directors, instead of ministers, providing a fun camp, a fun retreat, a fun outing, and occasionally talking about Jesus. Most Youth Ministers are doing it all on their own. Some have well meaning adults who volunteer and have Senior Pastors who value youth ministry. Some have well meaning adults who are all about themselves than the teens. Some have Senior Pastors who couldn't name ten teenagers in their congregation (both small and large congregations). So, providing those short one sentence verses for you is sometimes the only way Youth Ministers know how to help you. But it robs you. It robs you of having someone who is willing to invest time in you, love you, and show how important you are. It helps to a degree and robs you to another.
A teenager once wrote:

"Believing in God allows me to believe in myself. And without that assurance, I don't see how we can love. Believing in God reassures me that there's entire benevolent force behind me and that there is no reason to be afraid ever. I want to live in a community where nobody is afraid really, the fears, the hate, the pain, it's all gone. But we don't live in an Utopia and I know that wouldn't happen, you see. Because the truth is that I'm really afraid of everything and even though God says to never be afraid, human nature proceeds me.

And the sad thing is that everybody is miserable. But nobody cares about my misery or your misery because they're too worried about their own. In all I wish to live in a community where there's hope. Where people care. In a society as vainglorious as ours though I don't know how this will happen but I still have hope. God gives me something to believe in. Something to reassure me that everything is okay. I think that not only a church but a community should perceive that."

Life sucks when you're a teenager. It does, even if you come from a well loving family, life can suck. Youth Ministry was created to serve as a way for the church to reach teenagers. It eventually became a way to keep youth contained and out of the adults sight. It became a form of childcare. It is. Youth Ministry no longer provides answers or a place for you to be you, to discover (without fear) who you are. The church does not provide that. We simply provide you a list of dos and don'ts and expect you to believe in Jesus. That's our mistake.

You're looking for answers. You're longing for a community that loves you unconditionally. That's why many of you have over 500 friends on facebook, many of which you're not even friends with. It's why you feel unloved at times. You are living in a world that moves faster than you do and changes as quickly as you do. One minute we're driving horse carriages, the next we're driving flying cars (four or five years away, trust me). One minute, you're a prep, the next a jock. A month later you're changing your scene again. On top of that you live in a reactionary society where everything is a big deal. The spilled milk is a big deal and there's reason to cry over it. One minute you're first boyfriend is the love of your life; the next your life doesn't seem worth a lot.

I've been wrestling with this for awhile now. I want to be honest with you. I want you to know what it is I know. Life gets better and it gets harder. You will struggle when you turn twenty. You will struggle when you turn thirty. You will struggle in your marriages, your work, your school, your life. You will struggle. That is life. Anyone says otherwise is selling something princess. The beauty of the struggle is that you're not struggling alone. I know, you think you already know what I'm going to write next. You're a teenager, you know everything (This is where you sarcastically say, "You're an adult, you think you know everything). You're not alone in this wilderness. If you look around you, you will see a few adults here or there who are stuck in the wilderness with you. Some by choice, others by design, a few by accident. They're there; but they are not alone either.

The wilderness holds a great secret. In the wilderness you can see things a little easier; though it may seem like you can't. In the wilderness you can have amazing adventures. At the end of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Aslan tells Lucy and Edmund that their adventures are coming to end. Aslan says, "You're adventures here happened so that you might know me better in your world." The wilderness you find yourself in is a wilderness where you have the wonderfully frightening opportunity to encounter Christ. To know him there in the wilderness so that you might know him better in life.

You may not see it now but you are not alone in the wilderness. The fights, the arguments, the drama may cloud your sight and blind you; but there is a light that shines through the clouds. Trust in that light. Trust that the light will lead you while you're in the wilderness. Trust that Christ is with you. Know that Christ is with you. We will continue to hold your beauty in our hands and give it back to you until you see it for yourself. We will continue to point to the moments in your life when Christ is there. My advice to you is to watch for those moments, listen for those moments and trust in those moments.

My promise to you is that the church will do a better job of being a place that allows this wild untamed Jesus to enter your life. Know that you are a beloved child of God and that is very special.