Lenten Journal: Yet I Hear a Voice

Starring down two roads
     both of which have been travelled before
A third appears
     starring down the path
I see nothing

     yet I hear a voice

The voice speaks though I cannot hear

     it clearly, I still hear

This new way is overgrown

     the trees and leaves cover my way

I stare intently

     attentively listening to the voice that softly speaks.

Of the roads I see

     there are two, crowded with travellers

Each searching in their own way

     each desiring to be loved

Of the third

     I hear the voice of the one

The one of compassion

     of love

Of hope

     of forgiveness

Of grace

     the voice of who calls to me

My knees tremble

     my heart aches

And my mind races

     the voice that calls to me says

Fear not.

     come to me

I stand frozen for a moment

     slowly…I move

One foot then another

     timidly I walk

With only the voice to guide me

     with only ears to hear

Lenten Journal: The Re-Re-Re-Return

"The dim-eyed old father holds his returned son close to his chest with an unconditional love...He seem to think only one thing: "He's back home, and I am so glad to have him with me again."" Henri Nouwen

Garth Brooks When You Come Back To Me Again. Watch more top selected videos about: Frequency (film)

I believe it's difficult for any of one to believe that we could re-re-re-return to you. You claim that you love us unconditionally. You claim, through your son, that you are love, grace, and mercy. You claim in your words that no matter what nothing separates us from you. You're actions in grace, mercy, and love show us that a re-return is not only possible it is inevitable.

We, who fall short, will always return to you. Whether our motives are pure or not, you take us in. You wrap your arms around us. You love us wherever we are in life. You do not require a pure heart to return to you. You take us in your arms and saying, "I am so glad to have you with me again."

But there is a voice that tells us not to believe it. A voice that says we are unable to return. A voice that says your love is conditional, small, selfish. Your mercy is for a few elected. Your grace is only for those who pray the abc's. The voice tells us that you will not keep your promise. A voice that says Christ is not strong enough to be faithful.

We listen to that voice over and over again. We convince ourselves that we are unlovable, unwanted. We believe our imperfections, imperfections we were born with, are imperfections that are too much for you. We seek reassurance that you are you say you are. We seek reassurance that you will keep your promise. We seek reassurance that you are strong enough to stay faithful when we stray. And each time we seek reassurance, we hear the voice that says, "There are no returns."

But you came and opened our ears to another voice that says:

"I am your God, I have molded you with my own hands, and I love what I have made. I love you with a love that has no limits. Do not run away from me. Come back to me--not once, not twice, but always again. You are my child. How can you ever doubt that I will embrace you again, hold you against my breast, kiss you and let my hands run through your hair? I am your God--the God of mercy and compassion, the God of pardon and love, the God of tenderness and care. Please do not say that I have given up on you, that I cannot stand you any more, that there is no way back. It is not true. I so much want you to be with me. I so much want you to be close to me. I know all your thoughts. I hear all your words. I see all of your actions. And I love you because you are beautiful, made in my image, an expression of my most intimate love. Do not judge yourself. Do not condemn yourself. Do not reject yourself. Let my love touch the deepest, most hidden corners of your heart and reveal to you your own beauty, a beauty that you have lost sight of, but that will become visible to you again in the light of my mercy. Come, come, let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth come close your ear and say to you, 'I love you, I love you'" Henri Nouwen, Show Me the Way, pg 76-77

The voice of Christ cries to those of us who feel lost in the wilderness. The voice of Christ cries out to us and says, "You are loved." It is a beautiful thing to be able to re-return. The re-return is a beautiful thing. As is the re-re-re-return.

I humbly thank you for the re-re-re-return.

Lenten Journal: The Dichotomy of Christ

"It is a remarkable dichotomy. In many ways, Clark is the most human of us all. Then...he shoots fire from the skies, and it is difficult not to think of him as a god. And how fortunate we all are that it does not occur to him." Batman (Superman/Batman #3)

The past few readings in my Lenten readings have focused on the servanthood of Christ as revealing God as God's true self. Henri Nouwen writes, "In his servanthood God does not disfigure himself, God does not take on something alien to self, God does not act or in spite of the divine self. On the contrary, it is in God's servanthood that God chooses to reveal himself as God to us." It is in the dichotomy of Jesus, who becomes like a slave, that we see the true nature of God. God is found in servanthood.

It's hard to wrap my mind around that. I've talked about it before. I've written papers over it before. I have preached on it before; yet it is still a struggle to completely understand this dichotomy. Jesus is both divine and human, yet his divineness is expressed through his humanness. It is as if saying Superman is expressed as Superman through his alter ego of Clark Kent. In the perceived weakling, Clark Kent, the divinely inspired Kryptonian is revealed. It is truly a strange dichotomy. The greatest of preists' is expressed as the greatest through being the least. Christ lifts himself up by lowering himself. Is it in his humility that others were able to understand who God is? Is that what it means to be the presence of Christ?

As a minister, it is hard to understand lowering one's self. Ministers are often lifted up either by themselves or by their congregation. Many fall prey to the seductive serpent who says "Money, power, love, praise...these are of the Father." Christians lift themselves up in their piety. They tout their lifestyles and glorify poverty or glorify lavishness. We are not the most humble of people. It feels against our nature. Yet, we are told to humble ourselves like a child, like a slave, like the least, so that the kingdom of God may be fulfilled.

Is it possible for us to truly humble ourselves in a church system that flourishes on bigger and better?

Is it possible for me to truly minister and be the presence of Christ without emptying myself? Without lowering myself in a radical way? Is it possible for me to move beyond my ego, my worry, my fear of what others will say or think? Is it possible?

Perhaps it is in knowing, learning to be content with whatever I have. For I know what it is like to have little and I know what it is like to have plenty. In any circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11b-13). Perhaps it is in the prayer, "Lord, I abandon myself to you." "Lord, I shall gratefully accept everything that pleases you. Let your will be done."

In the end, it is the dichotomy of Christ that humbles me.

Lenten Journal: Ears That Are Not My Own

"And at the end of my heart's testing, with your likeness let me wake" Kristyn Getty

I am not really enjoying this Lenten journal exercise. I begin one and what I wanted to write about gets distracted or the words cannot take form; however, when I just write, without reason or without purpose, just write, the words come. The words find their way to the paper and the page begins to fill.

This process makes me wonder if that is what true listening is about.

Simply to begin listening without reason, without purpose, without expectations, without anything to gain.

Is that what this is truly about?

Is this what you mean by emptying myself?

Is this what it means to pray, "Lord, unbind me and let me go"?

Perhaps.

Perhaps I am beginning to see with eyes that are not my own; and listen with ears that are not my own.

Lenten Journal: 33 Days Whispering

"Whatever you do with your life, go on listening to the voice of Jesus in your heart. This listening must be an active and very attentive listening, for our restless and noisy world God's so loving voice is easily drowned out." Henri Nouwen

My mind is racing. It's difficult to focus. There's too much available to do at the same time as I attempt to listen to you. This world is full of distractions. My phone rings as I begin to write. My email alert goes off when I begin to read. My mind wanders in the silence. My thoughts move in and out of being present. I get lost in thought.

You whisper when you speak. Sometimes you mumble. Your voice is sometimes silent. Sometimes you say nothing at all and in that nothing say everything.

These next 33 days are going to be tough. 33 days of devoting time to listen to your voice in the midst of teenagers screaming in pain. 33 days of trying to be attentive to your voice in the midst of anxious adults. 33 days admist overfunctioners. 33 days admist a self driven society. 33 days of trying to remove myself in order to discover myself. 33 days asking, "My mind is filled with ideas of God but is my heart with God?"

33 days asking, "Am I talking to God or am I listening to myself speak?"

33 days praying, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."

33 days hoping that is true.

33 days of emptying myself into you. May your whispering voice become the voice I hear in the sounds of your creation. Amen

Lenten Journal: I May Be

"Your way and my way seem to be one and the same" James Taylor

This is will not be the post that I intended it to be by the time I am finished. I have written three different versions of this post; each one incomplete and each one leading me in one direction. I try to control what I write. It is the writer inside me. When you write you present a clear thesis in the opening paragraph, then you expound on the thesis in the body, summarizes and concluding in the conclusion. This post will not have that.

I think I might have picked up on what you've been trying to say to me. I think I might have honed in on your voice. Of course, it's only been 5 days since Ash Wednesday so I may be crazy. I may be wrong. I may not be on to anything. I may be wandering. I may be rambling. I may be.

I may be right.

Henri Nouwen writes, "I know that true joy comes from letting God love me the way God wants, whether it is through illness or health, failure or success, poverty or wealth, rejection or praise. It is hard for me to say, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done." But I know that when I truly believe my Father is pure love, it will become increasingly possible to say these words from the heart."

I cannot honestly say that I am comfortable saying to you, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done." I am not. I am not comfortable. I am timid when it comes to giving myself up. I am terrified of where that confession, that surrender, that abandon will lead me. I know that if I am to follow your call I am forsaking a life normalcy; but it is not my normalcy I am forsaking. I am asking my wife, my son, my family to abandon normalcy as well.

I understand that I cannot control their response to this call. I understand that you are working in them as you are working in me. I understand. I believe. I trust. I rest in the one who is I am.

My prayer this Lenten season is to abadon myself in you. To leave my old self behind and embrace my new self found solely in you. I have heard your voice and I am responding. I pray that I am able to live into this prayer; for I know that the end of this journey holds something dear; but the journey is going to be long and not easy. Help me to remember the words of Charles de Foucauld:

Father,
I abandon myself in your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you do I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
as in all your creatures,
I ask no more than this, my Lord.
Into your hand I commend my soul;
I offer it to you, O Lord,
with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, my God, and so need to give myself--
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve and with total confidence,
for you are my Father.

May I have the strength to pray the above with all my heart, all my strength, all my soul, and all my mind. May you give the courage to say, "I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord, that pleases you. Let your will be done."

Amen.

Lenten Journal: Great is Thy Faithfulness

"A life of faith is a life of gratitude--it means a life in which I am willing to experience my complete dependence upon God and to praise and thank him unceasingly for the gift of being." Henri Nouwen


"Great is thy faithfulness, O God. There is no shadow of turning with Thee; thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not as thou hast been thou forever wilt be."

When have you not been faithful? When have you turned your back on me? When have you abandon me? When have you not stayed true to your promise?

You would think I would not doubt your faithfulness; yet I do. I lean back on myself. I lean back on my own understandings and my own ways because your ways are too hard. Your ways are too slow. Your ways do not work in this world. Your ways clash with the American way. Your ways have been skewed.

I look back at my life and I know you have been there. I know you have been faithful to me even when I was not. You've walked along side of me. You've carried me when needed. You've cheered me on when no one else would. Your hand has provided. Yet I doubt your faithfulness. Yet, when I look at this world, when I approach my job, when I grow impatient, I doubt your faithfulness. I doubt that you will be here.

It is my ego, my arrogance that blinds me. It is my faith that casts that shadow of doubt. It is the evil that convinces me that you are unable to be faithful. It is a rigid tradition that forgets your promise. It is the self that says, "You must do it on your own." It is the self that denies the gratitude in my heart. It is the self that makes me rely on me instead of you.

Forgive me.

I am humbled by your faithfulness. I am grateful for your mercy. I am thankful and I praise you.

Remove the arrogance from myself. Change my ego. Mold me and make me into something new.

Lenton Journel: Ashes to Ashes; Dust to Dust

"The Lenten season begins. It is a time to be you, Lord, in a special way, a time to pray, to fast, and thus to follow you on your way to Jerusalem, to Golgotha, and to the final victory over death." Henri Nouwan

"We have made Lent less about denying ourselves than denying something to ourselves" Leonard Sweet

" I would argue that Lent is not related to either of those, but rather a time of discovering ourselves first and foremost." Adj Williams

I must confess that I do not fully understand this season. Each person, each theologian, each scholar, each pastor, each believer has their own definition of Lent. As I begin to devote these next forty days with a listening ear, an open heart, and a not so sound mind, I am wrestling with what it is that I am to get out of this. Am I to get anything out of this? Is this season really about denying myself? Is it a time to discover myself? Is it something more? Is it about me at all?

Tonight I will gather with others and the imposition of ashes will take place. We will be told "dust we came from and dust we will return." We will be told that we are nothing more than dust. Made from dirt and spit and that in the end we will return to the dirt. I understand the statements. I understand that death is inevitable. We all will die. We are all on our way to death. But am I nothing more than dust? Is that all I am to you?

Today I am reminded of the Tale of the Three Brothers:

There were once three brothers who were travelling along a lonely, winding road at twilight. In time, the brothers reached a river, too deep to wade through, and too dangerous to swim across. However, these brothers were learned in the magical arts, and so they simply waved their wands, and made a bridge appear across the treacherous water. They were halfway across it, when they found their path blocked by a hooded figure, and Death spoke to them. He was angry that he had been cheated out of three new victims, for travellers usually drowned in the river. But Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers upon their magic, and said that each had earned a prize for being clever enough to evade him.

So, the oldest brother, who was a combative man, asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence. A wand that must always win battles for its owner. A wand worthy of a wizard who had conquered Death. So, Death had crossed to an Elder Tree on the banks of the river, fashioned a wand from a branch that had hung there, and gave it to the oldest brother.

Then the second brother, who was an arrogant man, decided that he wanted to humiliate Death still further, and asked for the power to recall others from Death. So, Death picked up a stone from the riverbank and gave it to the second brother, and told him that the stone would have the power to bring back the dead.

Finally, Death turned to the third brother. A humble man, he asked for something that would enable him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death. And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility.

In due course, the brothers separated, each for his own destination. The first brother travelled for a week or more, and, reaching a distant village, sought out a fellow wizard, with whom he had a quarrel. Naturally with the Elder Wand as his weapon, he could not fail to win the duel that followed. Leaving his enemy dead upon the floor, the oldest brother proceeded to an inn, where he boasted of the powerful wand which he had snatched from Death himself and of how it made him invincible. That very night, another wizard crept upon the oldest brother as he lay wine-sodden upon his bed. The thief took the wand, and, for good measure, slit the oldest brother's throat. And so, Death took the first brother for his own.

Meanwhile, the second brother journeyed to his own home, where he lived alone. Here, he took out the stone which had the power to recall the dead, and turned it thrice in his hand. To his amazement and delight, the figure of the girl he had once hoped to marry, before her untimely death, appeared at once before him. Yet she was sad and cold, separated from him as though by a veil. Though she had returned to the mortal world, she did not truly belong there, and suffered. Finally, the second brother, driven mad by hopeless longing, killed himself, so as to truly join her. And so, Death took the second brother for his own.

But though Death searched for the third brother for many years, he was never able to find him. It was only when he had attained a great age that the youngest brother finally took of the Cloak of Invisibility, and gave it to his son. And then, he greeted Death as an old friend, went with him gladly, and, as equals, they departed this life.

I am not sure what it is that you desire of me this Lenten season. I am not sure what it is I am to deny or give up in order to see you better. Still, what I am reminded of the most is knowing the the breath I breathe is your breath. The life I live is your life. My hope is that you will greet me as an old friend and I will go with you gladly.

Lenten Journal: Something to Give Up

There are many events that I love about Church life and the Church calendar. What I love the most are the season of the Church from Advent to Lent to Easter to Pentecost. I love how each season culminates with something great. Advent ends with Christmas. Lent ends with the entry into Jerusalem. I love that each season requires a period of waiting. A period of rest. A period of anticipation. A period of enjoyment. A period of seriousness.

This Wednesday begins the season of Lent. It is a season (another one) of waiting. We're moving to Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem, to the last supper, to the cross, and the resurrection. Lent is an interesting season because it is a season of fasting. The purpose of which, if I remember my studies correctly, is to help us see clearer what is all about take place. This season of fasting requires each of us to give up something. If you are a liturgical nerd, you have probably given up something every year. If you are new to the seasons of the Church, you may not. If you are from Texas, you probably think this is too Catholic.

Lent, for me, is another season in which we are asked to give up something. Giving something up that perhaps holds us back or blinds us to what God is doing. Most of the time people give up little things such as beer, soda, certain foods, etc. They are to give up something that is a sacrifice to them. Something that costs them in the end. Something that is a struggle.

After a few months I have decided what my Lenten journey will be. Well, parts of it. I have decided to give up eating out. I have decided to give up sodas. I have decided to go to the gym four days a week. I have decided to limit my time on the computer at home to 30 minutes. I have decided to journal each day for forty days.

But are any of those really sacrificial? Am I willing to give up something that is going to cost me? Am I willing to give up something that I hold very dear. Something that holds me back or binds me in a way that blinds my eyes and deafens my ears.

The answer is no.

None of what I have listed will cost me anything. In fact, all will benefit me in some form. None costs me in a way that will open my eyes and melt the wax in my ear. There has to be something that I can give up that will be sacrificial.

Something.

Perhaps that something is what I will find during this season of Lent. Perhaps by the time we celebrate Passion Sunday, I will know what it was that cost me something.

Perhaps.

That is my prayer.

To Hell and Back or Rob Bell's Version of "Bat Out of Hell"

"Logic dictates that if you believe in the one you have to reconcile the existence of the other" Dr. Spencer Reid

If you ever wish to start a fight with Christians, simply gather them in a circle and state the following: You don't believe in hell, homosexuality is not a sin, and that you voted for Obama. Say those three things, unless your in group that agrees just say the opposite, and watch the stones fly. Do not believe me? Attempt it if you feel lucky or just google Rob Bell and John Piper.


Recently, my Facebook news feed has been loaded with links to articles about Rob Bell's new book, Love Wins. You can check on the video at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODUvw2McL8g.  Rob's new book is to hit the stores soon which means only a few have gotten to read it. Google Rob Bell Love Wins and you find your google feed loaded with headlines that read, "Pastor creates Controversy" etc. I am sure that Mr. Bell's book will be flying off the shelf, if my newsfeed is any indication, when it comes out. My newsfeed is loaded with friends who side with Bell and those who side against Bell.

I read an article that popped up on my newsfeed by Brain McLaren in which McLaren writes, "The question is going to be asked from now of potential candidates (ministers), what is your position on heaven and hell?" There is some truth to that. Ministers will be asked where they stand on the doctrine of hell and salvation. They will give long expository statements, and like any good politician, will not give a full answer. So, congregants will listen for key phrases such as "justified by faith" or "I am the way the truth and the life" "all have sinned and fallen short." They'll listen for scriptures used to pretend to make the issue clear. But there's a greater truth that is being revealed in this great "controversy". Fear.


You'll be hard pressed to find a Christian that might even slightly agree that the underlining issue is fear. Fear of the unknown. I would argue that death, afterlife, heaven, and hell are the top main topics that many Sunday school classes, youth groups, small groups, and preachers focus on or worry on. I wish I had statistics to back that claim up; however, when my high schoolers have three separate studies on Revelation and heaven and hell, or a Sunday school class teaches a series on certain salvation or when small groups are having a Revelation study done by Beth Moore, I am convinced that these are the topics that we concern ourselves with the most.
But why? Why is it that we are so wrapped up in trying to nail down in certainty something that is not in our control? Why are we so afraid of what waits beyond the sun?

Because we are afraid. We're afraid that when Jesus says, "Love your God with all your heart, mind, strength, and soul. And love your neighbor as yourself" he cannot be serious. We're afraid that Jesus words, "I am the bread of life and the living water" that he is just yanking our chain. We're afraid that Jesus is joshing us by saying, "Do not fear. Do not worry." We're afraid that there has to be more than just having faith. We need to know what waits on the other side. So, we turn to "Christian Rock Stars" like John Piper and Rob Bell to have all the answers. We fill our small group time and Sunday school time with series focusing on one book. We do not rest in the assurance that our faith in Christ is enough. We need "sound doctrine".


I read an article at the Huffington Post about this controversy. The writer suggested that sometimes it's not an either/or it's both/and. He's correct to a point. Logic does dictate that if you believe in one, you have to reconcile the existence of the other. Rob Bell is not the first to present another view of the afterlife and God's final judgment. CS Lewis wrote of a heaven in The Last Battle that was all encompassing and very inclusive. He also wrote about it in The Great Divorce, in which he depicts hell as this isolated space, always raining, and houses with no roofs. He writes about spirits visiting this new place lush with green grass and beautiful water. He presents an idea that the schism between heaven and hell is not so great that God cannot cross over.

CS Lewis was not the first to approach the subject. You can go back to the times of early Christianity and read about from faithful men like St. Augustine. This subject, this topic is a topic that Paul tried to answer a few times when asked by a Thessalonian congregation afraid that those who died would not ever see the glory of Christ's return. Rob Bell is not on to anything new. He is openly asking questions and openly seeking to reconcile the beliefs of a loving God and hell.
Those questions are not bad questions. I sometimes laugh when Christians say that we should love our neighbor but are not fully for a gracious God. One would think that we would be for a gracious, loving God.  I snicker when Christians worry about such things especially when the Son of God says, "Do not worry."

I read a book awhile back by Samuel Wells called Improvisation. It's possibly one of my favorite theological books. In this book he presents the idea of a five act narrative. Act I is creation; Act II is Israel; Act III is Jesus; Act IV is the Church (us); Act V is the eschaton (the end). He suggests that if the Church focused on living in Act IV, we would see a change in our church polity. We would find ourselves opening up and living fuller lives. Wells writes that Act V is not up to us or about us. It's about God. The eschaton, he says, is all God. In other words, God is the one who will take care of Act V, live in Act IV. Yet, our fear of the unknown is so great that we must know. We do not have strong enough faith to rest in Christ. We have to be absolutely sure.

I have noticed a few things over the past few months and it has been driven home with this controversy. Christians prefer to talk with certainty about areas that require faith and talk in metaphors about everything else. Revelation is to be taken literally while the Sermon on the Mount is to be taken figuratively. 1 Peter is literal and absolute. "Love one another as I have loved you" is simply a metaphor for God's unending love. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" reads "Now certitude is confidence in what we know and the truth about what we do not see." Why is faith not enough?

The topic of heaven and hell will never go away in the church. I do not think it should. I think we should talk openly about it. I think we should engage one another in a healthy discussion with an understanding that we are going to disagree. However, I think we should begin to move on. This issue, this controversy, brings to light a question I have been asking lately. Where is the uproar about the amount of people who do not have a home? Where is the uproar about sick being unattended because they cannot afford health insurance? Where is the uproar that our teenagers are cutting themselves because of the self hate they feel? Where is the uproar about the oppressed and the poor? Where is the uproar about the issues that Christ went to the cross preaching on?

I need to be absolutely clear. I am not, in any shape or form, suggesting that this is not an important topic. I am suggesting that our fear and doubt cast by faith, causes us to look for certainty. I am suggesting that we should begin to live not obsessed with the unknown or things we only see through a glass half darkly. I am suggesting that we should rest in knowing that Christ is the Son of God and that God is the one who will have the last word.

This conversation will never end. It will be a conversation that will go on and on until the end of this world. It is a question as old as time itself. However, our attention does not need to stay there. We will eventually have to move on and direct our attention to the hurting of this world. Rob Bell, John Piper, Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren, etc. will eventually have to turn their attention to the message of Christ that says, "Blessed are the poor. Love one another. Sell all your possessions." Eventually, we all will have to return to reality because reality is screaming in pain. While we fight over doctrine, more and more people will continually turn to things of this world that will not solve their problems.

Personally, I've reconciled my belief in one and the existence of the other. I've reconciled my understanding of heaven and hell and I do not need John Piper or Rob Bell to reconcile it for me. I can sum it all up in one statement, "I place my faith and trust in Jesus Christ." I rest in that faith and that's good enough for me.